I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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