i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
