On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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