I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
