I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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