i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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