this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
