The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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