Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
