Will you blow on my dice?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
