Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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