I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
