She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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