Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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