she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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