I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
