Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
