Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
