I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
