My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
