So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
