I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Floor bacon is actually really good
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
