Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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