Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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