How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
