why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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