kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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