remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it hurts more in the daytime
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
