and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
