I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You've changed since you got that strap on
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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