i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
