If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
