my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
