her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Everclear isn't food dammit
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
