OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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