What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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