I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
