Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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