is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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