im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
