God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
