You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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