guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
