We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
