She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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