I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
