Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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