my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Randomize
