I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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