Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
