i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
