I think im going to throw up on grandma
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
