She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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