It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
