I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
