I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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