Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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