I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
