Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
