I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
