My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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